Poetry
Symphani Chanel
Untitled
And I grab what still belongs to me as my heart stays stagnant
I refuse to believe that I’ll never meet your standards
In love far too much to even consider going without you, never feel this way again
You’re embedded so deep in my spirit I think we share the same sins
You have become my gospel, better yet my religion
So far gone, no point of return, you’re what I’ve been missing
I just wanna lay with you, breathe you, and keep all your secrets
Ready to love you up, down, and around in no particular sequence
They can label it a groupie crush or call it juvenile
But me, myself, and I are all in love with you and it’s been that way for a while
You keep me from blowing, motivate me to get where I’m going
You understands me, you’re the man for me and you do all this without knowing
I AM JANE DOE
Who is she they ask? They really wanna know
She ignores us like she’s famous, but she just a Jane Doe
I dont think too much, I don’t talk too loud
I don’t make a lot of jokes, I hardly even smile
All they know is that I’m average, super plain Jane
They know my face but do not know my name
I’m a average looking chick, don’t dress real cute
No red lipsticks, just leggings and combat boots
Nothing major, some regular old chick
Standing on the wall at the club, because thats where I see fit
I think like a jester, hoping my successors don’t see me
Acting like a hoodrat but thinking like Nefertiti
I know I have the blood of royalty, giving them stale faces like poker
I know I deserve a king but somehow I keep ending up with jokers
and I know its because I try my best to blend in, hoping they don’t know I’m present
Jane Doe wants to be a queen but she’s too caught up acting like a peasant…..
Always.Throw.Glitter
People always ask me what I mean by “Always.Throw.Glitter.” What I am telling you is to be sure to be you, be different. Don’t be afraid to shake things up. Glitter is the thing that makes things stand out and shine. Not only is it a way to spice things up but it also is the hardest thing to get rid of. Think about it, if you have kids or remember being one you know how messy glitter can be, but it makes everything so much better. Leave your mark on the world. Always.Throw.Glitter.
I’M A STAN FOR YOU
I’m a Stan for you,
I stand for you,
Whenever you need me
Never met me but its like you read me.
Never knew what I was missing until I realized you were much more than what you were perceived to be,
Knuckled up and ready to war for you if need be.
I’ve been a fan,
enjoying a young man
with talent
watching it slowly becoming an obsession and no doctor, water, or reverend could even remotely quench this thirst,
was itching for you at first but now the rash has gotten worse,
I literally breathe you, like inhale, exhale, in hell without you
And I can’t quite put my finger on what it is about you
I just know that I would never doubt you
and to call you mine I would be more than proud to
Its like you know me already so there’s really no way to stop this
More than willing to admit, the ambitious girl from FLI City, loves the young King from Compton
DIGS ON ME
So I’m pretty sure that I’m waking away from somebody that has changed my life forever! I mean he’s understanding, supportive, sexy, funny, educated and, broke! Now honestly money doesn’t mean everything but to me it’s important because I have the soul of a hustler. I have always made a way out of no way and I need a man that does the same. I’ve spent my whole life taking care of people and I need somebody to take care of me for once. Is that so bad? I mean I don’t need six figures (yet), or a house on the hills (yet) , or even a pretty purple Lincoln (yet). I just need somebody that I can lean on as much as they lean on me. I hate that all of my relationships with guys are one sided so I chose to walk away from a great guy. Call me damaged or whatever but I am leaving the situation alone because I believe that it will be just like my last relationship. I am not one for repeats, I don’t have the patience and I just want somebody to come to me 100% ready like I am. I always love at a 10 and I need the same thing back.
VICTIM OF LOVE SONGS
Standard
I don’t wanna be a part of another generation of lonely women in my family. But the only real relationship advice I have comes from Pandora
I listen to people sing about love lost and new love that they find and the whole time I wonder if it’ll ever happen for me. And when I think it does I change my station from Mary J Blige to Tamia.
It’s funny how when it’s a minor crush my stations know that I need hi-five singing songs like kissing games. But when I think it’s love, I finally understand what the Isley brothers meant. I wish there was some solemn advice I could get from a person talking directly to me. I mean advice from someone sane. Not these same lonely sour apple bitter women I’ve known all my life. I think it’s sad that we’ve all become victims of love songs. Pandora is pimping the shit out of us making us feel shit we’ve never felt and break up with people we’ve never dated. Between this music app and the failed relationships of the women before me I am doomed.
He's Home
And as I breathe in slowly trying to slow the pace of my heart
I’m trying to wrap my mind around the fact that we’re no longer apart
I can feel the heat from your breath on the back of my neck
As you whisper in my ear knowing the effect
At this point you can have me if you want me, when you’re ready to get me right
I’m submissive only for you, and you know I’ve been missing you, baby this is your night
mind racing to catch up with my body heat
he’s finally home, no more being on the road, he’s in our sheets
It only took 5 minutes for us to kiss, before you know he’s walking me backwards into the room
It never takes long for him to get me out my clothes so victoria will tell the secret soon
GENESIS (WITH HIM TODAY)
Standard
See baby, I’ve been tryna chill with you
you know kick it and get a feel for you
cause I think maybe, you might have what I need
to explore the possibilities and follow your lead
see I know its a lot of girls around you
and I ain’t tryna hound you
but I’m diggin’ how it sounds to
just be you and me
cause I like how I’ve been feeling lately
and I’ll have you if you’ll take me
dealing with my attitude, insecurities and all these damn emotions
and I pray to God you have a strong hold cause I’m gon’ take you through the motions
so you might, love me one minute and hate me the next
tryna give you my all until there’s absolutely.nothing.left
and in the end all I have is you, which is hard for me to accept because you’re also where I begin
I hold your existence so close to me that you are my next of kin
so tonight I won’t answer one text and twitter can wait
no studio trips or worrying about your next tour date
It’s just us babe, I’m ready to let you lay with me, you know the way you’ve been wanting to
no longer fighting the feeling because
I’ve been wanting you
SCARED OF LONELY
Standard
I have this complex, and in my defense I have every right to feel this way. Its been happening since I was a child and it has continued to happen well into adulthood. Everybody I love leaves me and this has started this weird fear of abandonment in me. Lets start with my grandfather, he died July 12, 1998. I was 8 years old and it was the hardest thing I’d ever had to deal with (at the time). I was his shadow, my Grandmother used to call me his luggage because wherever he went I had to go to. He was my ace, when he went to play dominos with his retirement buddies, I went too. When he took my grandmother to work, I went too. When he went to the store, there I was, cheddar fries and fifty cent juice in tow. Besides my dad and brother he’s the man I loved most! When he died I had the hardest time understanding why. I wasn’t done with him, I still had stuff to do and things to see with my partner in crime. Shortly after his death my brother started down this path of crime. As a child I looked up to him, he was my protector. However, as we grew he got meaner and meaner, he always hurt me. He would hurt me physically but the emotional abuse was way worse than the physical could ever be. He’s still alive but he’s in jail, and here I am again, another void. September 12, 2009 my uncle was taken away from us due to cardiac arrest. I called him my “uncle daddy” because he was very much a father figure in my life. His daughters are like sisters to me and his wife is a second mom. He took me on family trips with him and sometimes when his daughter would be busy we would hang out, just the two of us. He truly showed us girls what a real man is supposed to be like. When he died our whole family felt so much hurt and it completely tore us further apart. He was the person who got us together. The most recent loss that I dealt with was my grandmother, she died January 10, 2013. She died in my car, with me, I watched her take her last breath and I relive it everyday. She is one of the people I love more than anybody in the world. Everything she was is what I aspire to be. She is everything to me. It hurts me to know that I’ll never see her again and now she’s added to the list of the people who I’ve loved that have left me here alone. I’m not sure if maybe it’s me and I’m cursed or maybe there’s a bigger lesson to all this. Either way that feeling that I felt then I’m starting to feel again. Except he’s alive…..
HE’S HOME PT. 2
Now we’re finally where we want to be
I’m touching him, he’s touching me
tongue tied but not wanting to separate
obviously craving my body, willing to scrape the plate
and I’m more than willing to let him, he’s been gone too long
letting him play with my body as much as the radio plays his songs
He’s handling me so aggressively and lovingly at the same time
straight tweakin’ while we’re freakin’, got me high like snorting lines…..
‘DRUNK IN LOVE???’
This is not cute, cause whenever “I been drinkin'” I start to ask him dumb ass questions
and the bottom of this shot glass is my latest obsession
and I tell him, In the perfect world……
I’m yours
she isn’t
and rather than me listening to you complain about her, we’re kissing
what if, we were together and the other side of my bed is yours?
and the perfume in your sheets is mine and not hers?
We talk all day, not because I’m your homegirl but because I’m your lady
or what if you stopped talking to all these fly-bys just to date me?
and what if the person that was there in the beginning is supposed to be there until the end?
what if we put titles on this too early and I’m not really just your best friend?
until you realize I’m it, I’ll just be here playing along
and I’ll pretend that whenever I listen to R&B I don’t put your name in the song
I’ll let you come over and crash after you get wasted at the club
and while you’re drunk in friendship, I’ll be drunk in love??????
Happy Birthday Daddy
Believe it or not there was a guy that I loved before Kendrick Lamar….yup it was my daddy. We hardly ever agree, like ever! I feel like he never understands but he’s the only person that can look at me and I can instantly start crying. The daddy’s girl in me trumps every other emotion that I have and I guess I love him for that. Now the song that I chose to attach to this post is not the usual daddy daughter song that you would hear. However, I chose it for two reasons. First, one day I decided I wanted to become a DJ and I went upstairs and got some of my daddy’s records to scratch. I put them on the record player and decided to use it as a turn table. I didn’t realize that you actually had to have the right equipment to be able to do this so….. I actually put scratches on the record. It’s safe to say I was in trouble but I think he’s over it now. Secondly, about two months ago I got in the car with my dad and he got on the expressway going the opposite way of home and when I asked him where we were going he replied, “Just thought that I had to be in Compton soon..”! After he said that we both started rapping.
That showed me how much hip-hop can truly bridge the gap. That song was released before I was born and I still think it’s one of the greatest hip-hop songs, period! The fact that my dad knows the words makes it that much better. I love you Daddy! Happy Birthday!!!
‘Mo Better Blues’
Always the Indigo and never the Clarke
always the homegirl, never the heart
I always have to hold it down and make sure you straight
but if somebody finds out about me, I’m just your latest mistake
I can always come running when you need me
accept all the lies you feed me
but a wife I’ll never be,
cause I’m just not that cute
I’m dope enough to keep your secrets but not dope enough to be with you
He’s always somebody else’s something, never mine
and usually thats fine
but ironically enough the side chick doesn’t wanna be a side chick this time
so rather than settle for the Mo’ Better
and stand on the side line until you let her
Go
I’ll leave you alone until you’re ready to be only my man
and I’ll still be the Indigo but the one in the end…..
Happy Fathers Day Daddy!!!!!!
We seldomly agree, like in all honesty I think that in most situations you couldn’t be more wrong. However, those few times that you are right are the ones that mean the most. I love you more than I could ever express and I know that I wouldn’t be me if it wasn’t for you. You’re my dad, my mentor, my guide, my headache, but more than anything you’re my friend and that’s tight!!!! Now of course you know why I chose this song, I still have the letter you wrote me after I graduated and you quoted this song and to this day it makes me tear up. Which is not surprising because when I’m on the verge of tears, the mere sight of you will make me cry. It’s a bond that can’t be explained but it can be felt and enjoyed! Happy Father’s Day!!!!
Rest Peacefully Granny
And in the end I just need to know I’ve made you proud
It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that you’re not around
Physically anyway,
Still replaying that day
Trying to understand why it ended this way
Who’s gonna listen to my ideas, or save me after I’ve tried to save everyone else
Who’s gonna tell me to stop working so hard and take some time out for myself
Where do I go when I need that loud silence?
Or that comfort when I’m crying, or motivation when I’m tired of fighting?
I know I have you instilled in me, but some days that doubt is still in me
I wanted you here to build with me
What good is success when the person it’s for isn’t here to see it?
What good is writing down my feelings when my muse isn’t here to read it?
I just miss you and I don’t know if anyone else will ever understand me
Just know that I love you,
Rest Peacefully Granny
Dotta
I can see him better with my eyes closed because he’s the man of my dreams
and me living without him loving me just seems
asinine,
so at the time
that he is mine
I’ll let him know he’s all I need
One day I will carry his seed
and he can always be real with me
its like heaven when he touches me
he never asks too much of me
and just his presence is enough for me
its like with him I’m no longer struggling to gain
together creating all pleasure from pain
he completes me, the sun to my rain
and the intimate moments where we’re wrapped up in our sheets,
looking in my eyes, his soul is wrapped up in me
theres is no place in all the universe I would rather be
our love can surpass all the stars in the sky
a connection that assures our sprits will continue to fly
loving him with all of my existence, and I never question why.
“I’m Anti-Valentines Day
……..I’m convinced somethings wrong with me
while everyone around me is in love, I’m focused on my money
and yes it sounds good and I know dollars make me happy
so I’m more concerned with my bank statement than some nigga looking at me
I don’t want you to say shit to me unless I can see your W-2’s
vain? maybe. Gold-digger? Not true
I work hard for everything that I have and I plan to maintain it on my own
put I’m so tired of these pauper ass niggaz coming at me demanding a throne
if you cant pay my phone bill I don’t have time to talk to you
and if you don’t have gas money, how you “just come through”?
then the first thing out of old folks mouth is “money can’t keep you warm at night”
this may be true, but love is not gon’ pay to keep on these lights
I dare you to call ATT and tell them yo don’t have the their money but you have a boyfriend
I bet 911 is the only number that disconnected ass phone gon’ be callin’
and no I’m not bitter but my standards are high
I’m not just gon’ kick it with somebody thats “Just getting by”
I have enough struggle on my own I don’t need yours too
I’m not content with being complacent just so I can have somebody to talk to
Call it what you want, but I do whatever I like
I refuse to just be another broke niggaz wife!!!
12.19.13
And I grab what still belongs to me as my heart stays stagnant
I refuse to believe that I’ll never meet your standards
In love far too much to even consider going without you, never feel this way again
You’re embedded so deep in my spirit I think we share the same sins
You have become my gospel, better yet my religion
So far gone, no point of return, you’re what I’ve been missing
I just wanna lay with you, breathe you, and keep all your secrets
Ready to love you up, down, and around in no particular sequence
They can label it a groupie crush or call it juvenile
But me, myself, and I are all in love with you and it’s been that way for a while
You keep me from blowing, motivate me to get where I’m going
You understand me, you’re the man for me and you do all this without knowing
Digs on me
So I’m pretty sure that I’m waking away from somebody that has changed my life forever! I mean he’s understanding, supportive, sexy, funny, educated and, broke! Now honestly money doesn’t mean everything but to me it’s important because I have the soul of a hustler. I have always made a way out of no way and I need a man that does the same. I’ve spent my whole life taking care of people and I need somebody to take care of me for once. Is that so bad? I mean I don’t need six figures (yet), or a house on the hills (yet) , or even a pretty purple Lincoln (yet). I just need somebody that I can lean on as much as they lean on me. I hate that all of my relationships with guys are one sided so I chose to walk away from a great guy. Call me damaged or whatever but I am leaving the situation alone because I believe that it will be just like my last relationship. I am not one for repeats, I don’t have the patience and I just want somebody to come to me 100% ready like I am. I always love at a 10 and I need the same thing back.
RYDAZ
We fight like enemies, argue like lovers
Kick it like homegirls, and always clown each other
We’re quick to check the other one but, get buck if someone else laughs
They can call on me first, and I know they’ll give me their last
They irritate my soul
But remain the warm to my cold
And to this day we keep secrets that remain untold
They know for certain now, even if they didn’t know then
I have their backs unconditionally, with us there is no end
I’m blessed to have sisters that are also my best-friends!!!
Insomnia (inspired by Mutya Buena)
12 o’clock
I finally lay down thinking this could be the night I finally get some sleep
then slowly but surely those thoughts of you start to creep
1 o’clock
staring at the ceiling trying to keep myself from staring at my phone
no matter what its ringing I swear its your ringtone
2 o’clock
obviously I’m not on your agenda tonight so I wanna go to sleep and stop anticipating your call
because I’m making you my every thought when you’re not thinking about me at all
3 o’clock
I doze off
my phone goes off
and of course its you, I tried to convince myself that I’m done letting you have control
but you have this hold on me and you selfishly won’t let me go
4 o’clock
now I’m laying here listening to you lie and tell me you were busy all day, I know you think I’m a fool
but you don’t have a job and you didn’t even finish your diploma so I know you weren’t at school
5 o’clock
I’m wide awake trying to figure out why it’s you I put nothing above
my mind is saying I’m suffering from insomnia but my heart knows I suffer for love
January 10, 2013
Dreaming with my eyes opened tightly because sleep is the cousin of death
But in all honestly the reality is I
don’t think I have any motivation left
It’s so easy to become distracted from the purpose you were purposely put here to fulfill
No drugs, no quick money, no time for cheap thrills
I start to wonder what I’m missing and when everything went astray
Then I remember everything changed for me on the cold winter day
I was supposed to take care of you and in the midst of doing what’s right
Your body got weak and heart no longer wanted to fight
I know you didn’t want to hurt me and I know my abandonment was not in your plan
You held on as long as you could until you let go of my hand
I remember looking in your eyes and they were unfamiliar to me
the color of stone, no longer the warm welcoming maple brown that I used to see
I knew then that you had become an angel
and I had to fend for myself
But it’s ironic that the same day you just told me that I need to live my dream knowing it would supply my wealth
You had given me what I needed and taught me what I needed to know
Now months later I’m still fighting with knowing I had to let you go
But I promised to succeed and make you proud of me
Because I know that every day I see sunlight it’s because you’ve smiled at me
I.Love.You.